Quillsh Todd: The Demon Chef of Wammy's House
by kittyponnumber42
Summary: A week after the events in The Wedding That Never Was, Sera and the gang are laying low at the Wammy's House. The disgusting secrets about Watari's cooking are known and Sera asks a very taboo question. Cameos by Draco Malfoy, Gollum and Marvin the robot!


Yosh! I actually came up with a plot after the epic Wedding That Never Was -bows-...I don't know why I put in the whole Resident Evil bit...maybe just to take up space. But it's funny, right?

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Death Note, Draco Malfoy, Gollum/Smeagol, Resident Evil or anything else I forgot to mention that obviously doesn't belong to me...so shut up!

Quillsh Todd: The Demon Chef of Wammy's House

Somewhere in Winchester England, two young women and a man sat at a large, extravagantly expensive dining table to eat.

The first woman was Eve Berglund, and she pushed a few stray locks of newly shortened and dyed black hair away from her face with a slightly withdrawn expression. Of course, she was still thinking about her wreck of a wedding almost two weeks ago, and the fact that she had horrible taste in men. Ever since high school, when she had dated Vincent Green for about a week, every man she'd ever had a relationship with-even her fiancée Kira Yamato-had ended up gay.

The woman next to her kept wondering when she would stop screaming in the middle of the night after yet another horrible Mircea dream. The long black haired Sera Nakamura had only three days ago been released from the captivity of a ten year old girl who'd wanted revenge after Sera had knocked over her ice cream. She was laying low in England while The Ice Cream Girl blew off some steam.

Curly haired Touta Matsuda kept directing worried expressions towards his girlfriend. Every once in a while, he would speculate if Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli had ever actually found Helm's Deep. He expected they hadn't.

Just outside of a zombie-ridden Las Vegas, a man named Carlos had just distracted an especially mob of zombies by a driving a truck into them. The truck had now fallen on its side, and Carlos was preparing a stick of dynamite, waiting for some undead humans to eat his face. Then he spotted a joint a recently slain friend of his had hidden.

"Sly little bastard..." Carlos sighed, lighting the joint and dynamite. He took a long, slow drag. At least he would go out enjoying himself a little, he thought. Plus, there was no way he'd become a victim of the T-Virus.

The truck proceeded to violently blow up, and a while later, a starved-looking woman named Alice found out that she had a rather large number of clones.

Unfortunately, this scene-or any other part of Resident Evil-has absolutely _nothing_ to do with this fan fiction. Sorry, maybe some other time...

Anyway, back in Winchester, more people took their seats at the extravagantly expensive table. They went by L, Near, Mello, Matt and Watari(who could also be known as Quillsh Wammy, but I think Watari sounds much more normal, what do you think?)

"So..." Began L. "How do you three like the Wammy's House?" Matsuda grinned back in response. "It's really impressive!"

"I can only imagine how much this place is worth.." I noted.

Eve looked off into blank space. "...As long as he's not gay..."

Mello snapped his hand away from Matt, who'd been holding it for the past twenty minutes. "What are you, a homophobe?"

I gave him a 'Stop making her talk about it!' sort of glare and Matt told him he was better off leaving the issue alone.

"Kira!" Eve mocked in a dull tone.

"Athrun!"

"_Kira!!"_

_"A-su-ran!" _She proceeded to make fake kissing noises.

" _Anyway_..." I quickly changed the subject, playing with my polished silver fork. "Who's your friend, Mello?"

Matt grabbed an ash tray off the table and put out his cigarette. "Oh, I'm Matt. Nice to meet you!"

He was sitting across from me, but the extravagantly expensive table was too wide to shake his hand, so I just waved. "I'm Sera. Nice to meet you too..." I smiled. "Can I ask you a strange question, Matt?"

I couldn't tell for sure, but I think he eyed me. "Shoot." He advised.

"Why are you still wearing those goggles?"

Matt's mouth opened slightly, but he said nothing. Apparently he didn't know how to answer that. L, Near and Mello gave me shocked looks that told me nobody had ever asked Matt such a question.

I rolled my eyes.

"He's still wearing those goggles..." Mello finally stated with a sneer. "Because Matt and everyone here thinks they're just _damn sexy_!!"

"Nobody's _ever_ asked Matt why..." Blubbered L. "It's such a taboo question!"

Matt grabbed Mello's hand again and told him it was fine and he should calm down.

Matsuda and I rolled our eyes.

Eve sighed depressingly. "There goes two more dating options...Maybe I should become a lesbian..." I let her know that was fine as long as she never told our friend Nikki.

At that point, the butler decided it was the right moment to serve dinner. It would've been too, if he hadn't been the robot he was.

He rolled in the room, carrying a large tray of meat pies. His triangular red eyes looked to the floor, encased in a large, round metal head. "I decided I might as well serve supper know, since you're all just _aching_ to see me." He announced.

"Is that...?" I asked L, pointing at the robot in question.

"Yes." He replied. "It's Marvin from Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy."

Marvin started placing a meat pie on everyone's plate. "Oh, you don't have to pretend that you care about me..." He droned miserably. "I'm well aware that I'm completely useless as a robot."

"Enjoy your meat pies." Marvin finally announced in mock joy. "They're absolutely disgusting, trust me." He rolled into a corner and shut himself off.

I stared begrudgingly at the meat pie, poking it with my fork. About a month ago, Matsuda and I had seen Sweeney Todd, which involved eating human pies, and I was still a little apprehensive towards the subject.

Don't be stupid, I thought. There's no way anybody would do something that gross!

After a while, I hesitantly dug in. It wasn't that bad after the first few bites, and I figured it had chicken in it. "Hm." I brought up. "So who made these?"

"Watari." Near answered plainly. A warm, grandfatherly smile radiated off Quillsh's ancient face.

"I think it's some archaic, lost to the ages recipe he has...er something..." L added between bites.

Suddenly, Matsuda fell into a coughing fit. I put my hand on his back and asked, "Are you okay, Matsu?" After a second, he stopped coughing, but his eyes were locked onto something on his plate. After a long moment, he turned to me with a wildly incredulous look on his face, and pointed a shaky finger to a gravy covered something on the table.

I leaned in to get a better look. The gravy covered something was sort of cylindrical,except it was rounded off at one end. And that end had...a nail...?

"S-Sera..." Matsuda stammered. "_Please_ tell me that's not what I think it is."

"Uh...Quillsh, what...is this?" Was all I could say.

For the first time in a _very_ long while, Wammy opened his mouth to speak. I half expected to see cobwebs in there. "Well." He croaked in an olden-times kind of voice. "I had to something with Mircea and Vincent's bodies."

Eve kept eating. "Oh, but Vincent was gay...how utterly disappointing..."

Everyone but me and Eve threw their forks in random directions and pushed their plates back. For completely different reasons, we just sat there staring off into nowhere, sure that at any moment our eyes were going to pop of skull.

"Sera?" Matsuda cautioned, putting a hand on either side of my head and forcing me to look at him. "Are you alright?" I opened my mouth, then my eyes got even wider and I shut it again. I practically fell out of my chair and stumbled over to the nearest bathroom. Matsuda went after me, repeatedly asking me what was wrong.

Finally, I made it to a bathroom, collapsed over the toilet, and let fly. At some point, Matsuda came over and held back my hair stuttering out encouraging words. My hands kept slipping off the toilet, and I was like that for something around five minutes.

When I was done, I managed to stand up for about three seconds before toppling into Matsuda's arms. I started coughing, and he ran his hands soothingly through my now messy black hair. "Matsu..." I sputtered. "Do you realize that we just _ate _a perverted vampire...and Vincent?"

"Yeah, I do." He moved my head to look at my face. "But it didn't taste _that_ bad, did it?" I laughed once and gave him a weak, barely there slap. He laughed, smiled, and brushed a hand across my cheek. "Y'know, this is going to sound retarded, but you look really beautiful after you throw up."

"What, are you a romantic or whatever?" I choked. His answer was a deep kiss that I guess every romantic on Earth probably knows how to give.

"You could've waited till I'd brushed my teeth." I retorted when our lips parted. "Cause now this is about as tacky as lamps with the protective plastic still on them!"

Matsuda didn't say anything for a long time, but seemed to be deep in thought. "Sera, this probably isn't the _best_ time, but can I ask you something?"

"Sure." I grinned weakly. "I don't have any taboo questions."

His eyes darted around the room. "Okay...uh, how do I put this..." He jammed his hand into his pocket and pulled out a small box. My jaw dropped past the floor. "Would you ever consider marrying someone like me?" He opened the box and revealed a relatively large diamond ring.

"...Well, yeah! Why n-"

"We've found it! The Precious!" A scraggly, half-starved little hobbit bound into the room and grabbed the ring, making weird gulping noises. "Precious!" He exclaimed, caressing the ring. "Gollum's found it! Gollum's found the Precious!" He skipped out of the room and out of sight.

Matsuda and I stared after him. "Well _that_ was interesting." I spoke.

Matsuda stared at his empty hand sadly. "But now what? That sort've cost me a lot of money..."

"Don't worry about it. He's in a mansion full of geniuses. Someone will get him!"

We went back to the dining room to find salad now on everybody's plates. Oh, Mello and Matt were also passionately making out.

"Nothing I haven't seen before..." Eve sighed. Beside her now sat a young man with slicked back, short blond hair.

Luckily for Eve, she'd finally found Draco Malfoy, and he would not be lead to the temptation of a certain wizard by the name of Harry Potter, as the said wizard was now married to one of the Weasley daughters. Of course, Draco knew he'd always have deep intimate feelings about Potter, but he took a chance in courting Miss. Berglund instead.

Everyday, Eve would ask Malfoy to turn himself into a ferret, and everyday he would have the same answer.

"Wow." Chimed the entire table...

Sooo...in the next fic: Draco Malfoy...Rejected

Sera gets magnificently drunk, Matsuda's silk tie has a temper tantrum and Ryuk's eyes literally pop out of his head!

Commence Looking Upness!!


End file.
